Bombastic Bites

Snot-Slaughtering Stew

Eviscerate early autumn allergies with this pot of gold

By David Martin

Dear readers:

Apparently some of us are still suffering from summer flu. Or it could be that dead leaves and 90-degree humidity are a killer combination for the allergy-prone.


Your beloved guide through this culinary conquest is beleaguered with a boisterous amount of boogers, buoyed only by his earnest need to eradicate all gastronomical and general ignorance from your lives. But have hope, dear, feeble reader, for this recipe is sure to strike fear in the sticky, slurpy, sebaceous heart of any mucus membrane misinformed enough to meet the phlegm-fighting furor of our stew.


Dear reader, rather than suffer from sinus septicity in squalor, allow this luxurious, silky stew to rapidly, forcefully, and tenderly transport you into the opulent office you deserve.


Our stew is characterized by the holy trifecta of anti-inflammatory ingredients: ginger, garlic, and turmeric. Infected phlegm setting your insides aflame? Use this trio of inflammation-trashing elements to extinguish any congestion conflagration so quickly you’ll swear it’s sorcery.

The stew starts with a sauté of onion, garlic and ginger together. Continue this until your onion is slightly translucent. Next, add the garbanzos, red pepper flakes, and three times the amount of turmeric called for. Speaking of which, if you’re serious about jettisoning the eight pounds of mucus that’s trying to suffocate your lungs, it would be prudent to triple the servings of garlic and ginger as well. Don’t say I never had your best interest in mind.

Once the garbanzos have fried slightly, add the vegetable broth and coconut milk. Allow this mixture to simmer for 35-45 minutes, until it cooks down slightly and thickens into a smooth, sultry, and rich tool of congestion carnage.


Lastly, add some kale or spinach to this proverbial pot of gold. Once the greens have wilted, your snot slaughtering stew is ready to be bedazzled with some boujee toppings, fit only for a stew as rich and powerful as this. A dollop of Greek yogurt, some mint leaves, and a dusting of Turmeric is appropriate.

If you’re looking for a drink to augment your phlegm fight, look no further than Union Craft Brewing’s Divine IPA. Described as a “Perversely Hoppy Ale,” allow the aggressive amount of hops in this local brew to be the final sucker punch for victory in your snotty slugfest.


Booger-free blessings and wishes for clear cranial cavities.


Here’s the recipe:


  • ¼ cup olive oil, plus more for serving
  • 4 garlic cloves, chopped
  • 1 large yellow onion, chopped
  • 1 (2-inch) piece fresh ginger, finely chopped
  • Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
  • 1 ½ teaspoons ground turmeric, plus more for serving
  • 1 teaspoon red-pepper flakes, plus more for serving
  • 2 (15-ounce) cans organic chickpeas, drained and rinsed
  • 2 (15-ounce) cans full-fat coconut milk
  • 2 cups vegetable or chicken stock
  • 1 bunch of organic Swiss chard, kale or collard greens, stems removed, torn into bite-size pieces
  • 1 cup of fresh mint and/or cilantro leaves, for serving
  • Full-fat Greek yogurt or dairy-free yogurt, for serving (optional)
  • Toasted pita, lavash or other flatbread, for serving (optional)



  1. Heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add garlic, ginger, and onion. Season with a pinch of sea salt and pepper and cook, stirring occasionally until the onion is translucent and starts to brown a little around the edges, 3 to 5 minutes.
  2. Add turmeric, red-pepper flakes and chickpeas, and season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring frequently, so the chickpeas sizzle and fry a bit in the spices and oil, until they’ve started to break down and get a little browned and crisp, 8 to 10 minutes. Remove about a cup of chickpeas and set aside for garnish.
  3. Using a wooden spoon or spatula, further crush the remaining chickpeas slightly to release their starchy insides (this will help thicken the stew). Add the coconut milk and stock to the pot, and season with more salt and pepper. Bring to a simmer, scraping up any bits that have formed on the bottom of the pot. Cook, stirring occasionally, until stew has thickened and flavors have started to come together, 30 to 35 minutes. (Taste a chickpea or two, not just the liquid, to make sure they have simmered long enough to taste as delicious as possible.) If after 30 to 35 minutes you want the stew a bit thicker, keep simmering until you’ve reached your desired consistency.
  4. Add the greens and stir, making sure they’re submerged in the liquid. Cook a few minutes so they wilt and soften, 3 to 7 minutes. (Swiss chard and spinach will wilt and soften much faster than kale or collard greens.) Season again with more salt and pepper.
  5. Divide among bowls and top with a dollop of yogurt, mint, cilantro, reserved chickpeas, a sprinkle of red-pepper flakes and a good drizzle of olive oil; dust the yogurt with turmeric if you’d like.


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